sometimes I forget what being sick means

Sometimes, when things go well for a long enough time, when I have enough good days in a row, I forget what it's like not to have control over my emotions. I forget what it's like to be sick with this stupid disease. And then feeling like this again...I hate it. I hate this stupid, stupid sickness. I hope maybe tonight I just need sleep and I'll feel better in the morning. I hope this isn't about to turn into a full-scale episode. I hope I can get out of bed and go to class and work and lab hours without wanting to cry or scream or drive really fast into oncoming traffic. By now I know that's not how this disease works. I won't feel better in the morning. This is the way all my episodes start. And it will be nearly impossible to function until the episode passes. But I hope I will wake up rested anyway. I know I won't. But I hope to.