I’ve always been an incredibly straight-forward person. I
generally try to be truthful and honest, but I’m also pretty blunt, sometimes
harshly so, and it’s gotten me into trouble more than once. I’m hoping this
time it will do the opposite.
I need help. Lately, I have not been a good person. I have
made many, many poor decisions and many, many mistakes, and these mistakes have
hurt people. I have hurt myself and I
have hurt others, intentionally or not. If you are one of those people who I’ve
hurt through a word, an action, a decision, a mistake, please believe me when I
say I am so, so terribly sorry.
I’ve been falling into this pit, and I have felt so helpless
to do anything to stop it, to change it, to turn around and be a better, stronger,
more courageous, pure person. I haven’t been able to— I’ve been stumbling in
this darkness, sinking lower with every passing day, with every tick of my
watch, completely disoriented and confused, with no clear idea of what to do,
where I am, who I am. I think this
week I finally hit the bottom of the pit, slammed into it full-force, and
realized I don’t want to be this person.
I never really did. Everything just kind of happened
before I could fully grasp it, and the times I did, it was so much easier to
pretend I didn’t care or couldn’t change it. Truthfully, I lacked the courage,
the strength, the conviction.
I still lack the courage; I am still weak-willed— but I have
also reached the place where I am willing to fight through it, to struggle and
to claw my way out of the pit, but I cannot do this alone. Climbing out of the
darkness is going to be difficult; it is going to be painful. Perhaps it will
be as difficult and painful as the descent, or even more so, but I believe it
will bring infinitely greater things. Eventually I will walk in the light
again. I hope you will be able to forgive me and walk with me once I get there.
In all sincerity,
Elizabeth
